Peter’s Story
Section Two - Episode Six
“Jane”
Continuing on with the version of the story written in October-November 1998,
for self-therapy purposes.....
I now knew that I was ready for whatever life had in store for me next..... maybe even a new “relationship” with a new woman.....
And, on 18 November 1996, I met her..... Jane. (Not her real name.)
Although initially, just like with Meagan, I was not very impressed by Jane. We had some common interests, and as we got to know each other, a natural and easy friendship began to develop.
The turning point came on 10 December when Jane and I had dinner at the “Parade” Cafe in Oriental Parade, which was an old haunt of mine from “Breath Express” days, and the cruisy times with Meagan. Jane was very interested in the therapies that I had expertise in, and during the evening I explained to her in great depth the various ways of working with flower essences. She has a very keen intellectual ability, is a very fast learner, and I was impressed by her ability to immediately understand everything that I told her about flower essences. I felt we were very much in tune, “on the same wavelength”, and I enjoyed the evening immensely.
As we walked back up to the house that I was house-sitting in Mt. Victoria, I noticed that I was feeling a real closeness to her, and that I was very comfortable in her energy. When we reached her car, we had a brief hug, and as I felt her energy and her breasts against my chest, my heart skipped several beats as I was blown away by the intensity of the feeling.
I staggered inside feeling confused. I had convinced myself, after the experience with Meagan's daughter, that I did not want a relationship with another woman who had dependent children. Jane had two sons, aged, at that time, ten and seven. And here I was with powerful feelings towards her.
A few days later, talking to Jane on the telephone, I mentioned about how a friend (and former flatmate) of mine, whom Jane had recently met, happened to share the same birthday as me, and the circumstances of how we had discovered this. In the telling of this, I mentioned that the birthday was 22 January. Jane just about came down the 'phone as she exclaimed “That can't be! That's my birthday!” A week later we became lovers.
The initial honeymoon period of our relationship was in the house that I was house-sitting in Mt. Victoria. It was a lovely old house with a cottage garden front and back, and in mid-summer the garden was glorious. It also backed onto the trees of the Town Belt, and we were able to go for walks on the Southern Walkway and down to Oriental Parade. One day we walked all the way down the Southern Walkway to Island Bay. We both have sweet memories of these idyllic summer days.
The Mt. Vic. house-sit was a temporary arrangement until I could find a house to rent long-term, and on 8 January I moved into the house in Anne Street, Wadestown. The Anne Street house was a large 1930's home with spectacular, panoramic harbour views, especially from the large room on the top floor which was my bedroom. If ever a room was made as an ideal place for lovers, this was it. Large windows on three sides, spectacular harbour views, total privacy (being separate from the rest of the house), all-day sun, its own ensuite bathroom, it had it all.
Being in this room, on a typical blustery Wellington day, with the northerly wind gusting, the clouds speeding across the sky, shafts of sunlight dancing across the harbour, and the sight of the yachts on the harbour, I felt a special magical energy; a connection with the primitive forces of the elements. I became part of these elemental forces that drive the universe. Sunday mornings were a real buzz, as I cleaned and tidied the room, watered my house plants, maybe dashing downstairs for a while to prepare something for lunch and a quick practice on the piano; with the feeling of anticipation for 11:30 to arrive when Jane would appear.
I really believe that the energy of a house, or of a room, should be supportive of the people who inhabit the space, and the energy of this room was very supportive of the energy of our relationship. In a similar manner to how the energy of my large bedroom in the Horokiwi house was very supportive of the energy of Meagan and myself when we were there together. When I left the Horokiwi house, the energy of my relationship with Meagan changed, and when I left the Anne Street house, the energy of my relationship with Jane changed.
Jane and I soon settled into a pattern, as usually happens in most relationships. She would spend most Tuesday nights with me, and most Sunday afternoons, as these were the times when her boys went to their father's. For the first few months, it was absolute bliss. I found that I really enjoyed being in Jane's energy (and I still do). She has a lovely calm presence and a gentleness that captivates most people. I would really look forward to her arrival at 11:30am Sunday, and 6:20pm Tuesday: I would usually have a meal prepared for us to share when she arrived (I enjoy cooking, and have become an excellent vegetarian cook).
And through Jane, a whole new world of music opened up to me. She is a piano teacher, and a very accomplished pianist. I had always had an unfulfilled ambition to learn the piano, and, in bed with her for the first time, I impulsively asked her whether she would be my piano teacher. I bought a good-as-new second-hand piano, and began learning. She really is an excellent teacher. It cannot have been easy for her, I am not the ideal student! In fact, it must have been quite a challenge for her. It was like teaching your wife, son, or daughter to drive a car. It can be done, but it requires special tact and diplomacy! I am strongly opinionated, impatient, strong-willed, and I was also very ignorant of music with rather little natural musical talent. But she hung in there, and gradually (very slowly) I progressed past the raw beginner stage.
I also gradually developed a passion for chamber music, especially chamber music with piano and strings. Piano trios, piano quartets, etc. I have a special affinity with Mozart's piano chamber music, especially his duos for violin and piano, and also for the five Beethoven duos for cello and piano. I also especially like Brahms and Dvorak. In the winter of 1998, I attended all of the Wellington concerts of the Chamber Music Society and enjoyed them immensely.
Also, through Jane, I began attending the “Dances of Universal Peace”. These are sacred circle dances where the dancers sing the music as they dance. It took a while for me to come to grips with the dances, but gradually I began to really enjoy them. I have noticed that for me, a kinesthetic learner, I can learn to sing a new song very easily once we start to do the dance movements at the same time: once we start to move, it becomes a holistic energy experience and the words and melody just seem to come to me. But, just standing there trying to learn the song without the movement is always a struggle for me; I need to be moving my body as part of the learning process. If only the schooling system would take more account of this! Forcing children to sit still at a desk all day and expecting them to learn is lunacy: it certainly never worked for me.
The long summer gradually progressed into autumn, and autumn into winter, and with the gradual changing of the seasons our relationship matured and changed. For me, it was very different from previous relationships. The old rejection syndrome had been almost totally exorcised, with just a little bit more to resolve.
The issue of one partner wanting to have sex when the other was not feeling like it came up for us. Most women have natural variations in their level of desire, and Jane is no exception. Initially, Jane would go along with it to please me. On one of these occasions she began to go along with it, but suddenly all of her suppressed feelings and emotions could no longer be denied and the words exploded from deep within her “I hate doing it like this!”
I felt the energy of her words like a hammer blow: my old rejection syndrome surfaced, but not with the same intensity as before. We talked for a long time about the issue and about our feelings, to the point that we reached a resolution. I was able to see, and to feel, that the issue was not about her rejecting me, but rather about her own need to be true to her own feelings. And she discovered that it was safe and appropriate to honour her own needs and feelings, and to not be afraid to express them. The heavy energy cleared, we had reached resolution. For both of us, it was a major turning point: I finally laid to rest my rejection issue, and Jane laid to rest her fear of speaking up about her own needs. This went much, much deeper than the issue of sex. In fact the actual issue was not all that important, what was important was the resolution of the deeper emotional driving forces for both of us.
Over the months, a vague uneasiness began to take shape, a feeling that “This could be much better, but we do not know what to do about it.” Also, there was a communication issue: we were very good at discussing mundane everyday things, but we were somehow unable to freely express our deepest feelings. We had reached a certain level of intimacy, but were unable to take this further into the real closeness that we both longed for. In our intimate moments, we found it hard to express our feelings: this bothered me, and I would sometimes raise this with Jane, but any attempts to discuss this always ended in frustration.
The year progressed, and we entered a “drifting” period. There was nothing wrong with what was happening, our relationship was very functional, but there was this ongoing sense of “If only........”. While still enjoying each other's company, we both became dissatisfied. In our lovemaking, we were never able to totally let go, there was a sense of holding back: the really deep intimacy that we were craving somehow was eluding us. We made a few attempts to break the impasse with ideas from books like “Soulful Sex”, by Victoria Lee. While we both agreed that the ideas for deepening intimacy were great, we somehow were not ready to actually do this.
We did, however, do some really lovely things together. On several occasions we danced together, partly as a therapy but also for the enjoyment. We had discovered the “Five Rhythms of Life” dance therapy originated by Gabrielle Roth. I had done a weekend workshop on the Five Rhythms, and Jane began to use this method by playing the five rhythms on her piano as a form of therapy for herself. She would choose five Bach pieces that to her embodied the five rhythms of flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical and stillness, and play them in that order. She made a tape of herself playing these Bach pieces and would dance to the tape and occasionally we would do this together, sometimes dancing together and sometimes with her playing the piano while I danced. I always found this dance therapy to be very powerful and would recommend it to anyone.
Most forms of dance can be wonderful therapy. Back at the height of the “Breath Express” times, I would often dance on my own to loud music. I would fling myself all round the room until I dropped from exhaustion.
For details on the Five Rhythms of Life, see Gabrielle Roth's book “Maps to Ecstasy”, which I highly recommend.
On a couple of occasions, we danced the sacred circle dances of the Dances of Universal Peace together, just the two of us, in Jane's lounge. At the end of one of these sessions, we stood looking at each other: the energy was electric, and Jane commented “Better than sex!”
Jane and I have much in common, quite apart from our birthday being on the same date. We enjoy each other's company very much, we have a shared interest in healthy living, both preferring to eat organically grown food, we are keen gardeners, are interested in natural therapies, and she has become quite proficient in the use of flower essences. Since my discovery of chamber music we are both passionate about the same kind of music, and I enjoy the sacred circle dancing that she loves so much.
We even look alike, many of my friends have commented that we could easily be mistaken for brother and sister. And recently we have discovered that we have a very strong past-life connection, having known each other many times in past lives. If we had not become lovers, we would have become very good friends.
Over this time, we were students of “A Course in Miracles”. This is a large book with 365 daily lessons, plus a large section of text. I believe that it embodies the true teachings of Jesus, as intended by him before the Christian message was distorted beyond recognition by organized religion. It is a very simple message of letting go of a thought system based on fear and replacing it with a thought system based on unconditional love.
For more information on “A Course in Miracles”, here is a link to their
official website.
I became very aware that the way I was relating to Jane was from within the paradigm of what the Course in Miracles (or “ACIM” for short), calls a “Special Relationship”. A Special Relationship is the type of relationship where we strive to make ourselves somehow “special” by making someone or something outside of ourselves more important than our own inner happiness. We make our own happiness dependent on a relationship with something outside of ourselves, and we become dependent on this thing. You might say that an alcoholic has a Special Relationship with a bottle of booze, and a gambler has a Special Relationship with the horses or whatever he bets on.
For a while, I became quite obsessed by this “Special Relationship” thing with Jane. I would talk to her about it, but the talking seemed to lead nowhere. I would say that what I really wanted with her was what the Course calls a “Holy Relationship”. And she would sometimes point out to me that what I really wanted with her was a “Special Holy Relationship”, or maybe a “Holy Special Relationship”. And, as I always do when “issues” come up for me, I used the flower essences intensively to help with this issue..... I can remember doing things like opening the “ACIM” book at random, reading a page, and then making up a mixture of flower essences for each of us, to help with whatever was discussed on that page.
In the very early stages of the relationship, I had really bought in to the illusion of the Special Relationship. I hooked right in to the thing of our birth dates being the same, 22 January, and also the fact that on our next birthday I would turn 50 and she would turn 44 (44 being a special number for me, two times 22). I really wanted to believe that, finally, after half a century of looking, I had found my “soul-mate”! I remember making a big deal of this on our birthday, when we went out to dinner, on the Big Day of 22 January, and how dissappointed I was when it all fell rather flat..... it was no big deal that evening, no chorus of angels singing to us, no fireworks lighting up the sky.
I became aware that I had issues to resolve concerning a mother-figure dependency that always became active for me in any relationship. I discussed this with Jane, explaining my feelings about this and how it was affecting my relationship with her sons, and also how it was contributing to our intimacy issue. We did not manage to resolve this, but since then I believe that I have laid this issue to rest working on it on my own.
When I left the Anne Street house at Labour Weekend, October 1997, we lost our lovers' room. The house in Buchanan Street that I moved to was lovely, with a beautiful energy of its own, but somehow the energy of my Buchanan Street room did not support the energy of our relationship very well.
By early 1998, we were discussing the future of our relationship. We agreed to scale back the sexual content and concentrate more on the friendship.....
Click here to continue on with the next episode of this section of this (1998 version) of the story......
Jane..... continued, and resolved.....
