Peter’s Story
Section Two - Episode One
“The Journey Begins”
Continuing on with the version of the story written in October-November 1998,
for self-therapy purposes.....
Once the initial shock wore off, and I became more-or-less semi-functional, I decided that I was going to sort myself out once-and-for-all, starting now, no matter what was needed, no matter what it cost, and no matter where it took me.
And hence started my real journey, on my path of self-discovery and finding the truth.....
Starting August 1993, I embarked on an intensive campaign of therapy and self-improvement. The whole focus of my life became the workshops and courses that I was doing in oder to sort myself out. I became absolutely fanatical about “sorting myself out”, once and for all! Totally focused on my path of “healing my shit”, to the exclusion of all else. Nothing else mattered..... nothing!
Over this period of a few hectic months, August to November 1993, I did the “Avatar” course, “Silva Mind Control”, a psychodrama workshop in Nelson, and a workshop in Christchurch, “Heart Centered Awareness” (an energy healing system). I also read many self-help type books, and intensified my study of therapies like flower essences and homeopathy (see later in the story for details), and of the Hawaiian Kahunas.
By November 1993, the whole of the $40,000 that I had received for my half share in the house I had owned with Jeanette was all gone. Half of it went in paying off my old business debts (I paid every last cent, even though, incredibly, no-one had chased me for any of it!), and the other half, apart from a $4000 car repair job, all went on self-improvement and therapy. Many people would be uncomfortable with spending every last cent on this type of thing, but to me there was no choice, after all this is an investment in myself, and what could possibly be more important than this?
The last $3000 was spent in November on membership in a year-long training group facilitated by a well-know American practitioner. I spent $3000 on a year's training in this group, but I only stayed in the group for about four months!
In this group, the Wellington based people would meet once a week to do our stuff together. On many occasions, I would sit in the group, literally trembling with fear, waiting for someone to hit me with their “loving feedback”. It was just what I needed at this point of my journey, to be confronted with some of my shit.
I also joined two 12-step groups, an Al-Anon group and a S.L.A.A. (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) group. I became a 12-step junkie, often attending seven or eight 12-step meetings a week. I found myself a very good sponsor in my Al-Anon group and was working intensively on my 12-step program. This was my first ever intensive spiritual experience, and I soon discovered that my previous ideas about spiritual matters were very dysfunctional.
In my childhood, I had attended a Presbyterian Sunday School and church, until I dropped out in my early teens. My idea of God was of a vengeful, angry old man up in the sky who punished us for our sins. In my 12-step program, I was encouraged to get in touch with a more gentle, caring God. A God who accepted me just as I was, a forgiving God, a genuinely loving God.
By New Year, 1994, I had reached Step 4 and Step 5 of my 12-Step program, the “making of a list of all those I had harmed”, and the letting go of all my resentments, guilt, etc. This process of releasing my resentments and guilt was a hugely transformative process for me. A very healing process. I remember sharing with my 12-step sponsor how it had felt to stand on the door-step of the home of my girl-friend when I was 20 years old, being verbally abused by her father when he was told that she was pregnant. It was like a huge weight had finally been lifted from me, as I let go of the resentment and guilt that I had carried for all those years towards someone who was by now long dead. I was finally free of the ghost of this experience.
By March, I had reached Step 9 of my 12-step program, the making amends to everyone that I have harmed, and was really feeling the benefit of this transformative spiritual therapy work. I remember one day looking at one of the things that I had written down about myself and pinned to my bedroom wall (I cannot now remember what it was). The thought instantly came to me “That's not me. I'm not like that now”, and it was more than just a thought, it was a whole feeling experience, I literally was not the same person who used to be like that! I was overcome with joy: tears gushed from my eyes and I collapsed by my bed and gave thanks to the God of my understanding for this miracle.
In March, I traveled to Christchurch to attend the next period of “intensive training” with the well-known American practitioner. There was first a 3-day workshop, open to anyone interested, followed by a 6-day “training” for those of us who had joined her “training group” (the $3000 a year group). I lasted until half-way through the 6-day training and then I walked out never to return.
Why did I leave this group, when I had only completed a third of what I had paid for? With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I had got all that I needed, and that there was something else (several things actually) waiting for me just around the corner. And that these new things would not be compatible with the belief structure (which was very rigid), necessary to being a member of this “training group”.
After being in this group for a few months, I noticed that no-one was getting any better! Everyone was very dysfunctional, apart from the “well-known American practitioner” herself, who claimed to more-or-less have cleared all her “issues”. Some of these people had been in this group for years, and were still on Step-2 or Step-3 of their 12-Step program! Yet I was on Step-9, and feeling much, much better than four month's previous, when I first joined the group.
Also, some of the things that were part of the belief structure of this group were at odds with what my Al-Anon sponsors were telling me. I knew how well my 12-Step program in Al-Anon was working for me, I could feel the results in how much better I felt, but this same benefit did not seem to be happening for anyone else in this “training group”. I knew I wanted to continue to get better and better, but I was not going to do it in this group!
I really struggled with this for a few days, torn between a suspicion that maybe my desire to leave was just my Ego looking for a way out of what I really needed, which was to stay. Or, maybe I really did need to leave, in order to get away from this dysfunctional group of people and move on to something else which would benefit me more than this. Of course, most of the members of the group shared a fervent religious-type belief that there actually was “nothing else”, that this was it, the “ultimate”, and anyone who could contemplate leaving was in major delusion, that there was “no other way”. Anyway, after much soul-searching, I left.
My final test was to announce to the group that I was leaving, and then to sit though the “loving feedback” from the group members and from the “well-known American practitioner”. I was told that I was making a huge mistake, and that I would regret it. I listened to everything they said, and I then stood up and walked the long walk to the other side of the room and out the door. A very self-empowering experience.
Looking back now, I do not regret a single thing from this experience. I got exactly what I needed. I left at exactly the right time for me. The $3000 was money well spent, even though I only stayed, in theory, for $1000 worth of it.
Also at this same time (March 1994), I had a little interlude of a mini-relationship with a woman I shall call Phillipa (not her real name). I had met her the previous year during a visit to Christchurch, and we had become friends. During this current visit to Christchurch, we had dinner together several times, our friendship deepening. Looking back, I realize that, despite my progress in the 12-step work, I was still very needy, and was very keen to have a receptive female shoulder to cry on.
Click here to continue on with Episode Two of this section of this (1998 version) of the story......
“The Journey”, Part Two.
